Many of us are baffled by the question, "What is your goal for marriage?"

Those getting married are far too consumed with the process of getting married to focus on any goals after marriage! So many dreams, time and money have gone to reach that one point - the wedding.

Remember the wedding path?
Find a dream partner, go on dates, buy an engagement ring, and take the wedding vows. Most newly married couples believe good marriages are based upon creating exciting things to do together - just like their dating days. (1)

Then the inevitable comes along. They realize that the magic of dates is lost. After all, there are only so many places to go. Money gets short. Boredom produces increasing disappointment and disillusionment. At this point, each spouse silently remembers not so subtlely dropped hints from others that marriages are not all what they seem to be. They start wondering. Are these people right? Maybe they have one of those 'bad' marriages.

Our expectations for marriage should be high, but they are often misfocused. Has anyone ever explained with you that there is a more lofty goal for marriage then just being together in the same place sharing a home? Below is a diagram that helps us see how the lack of proper goals for marriage lead to disappointing and 'bad' marriages. Read through the diagram starting at the left and work downwards. Then continue at the top right.

Importance to Believing God's Design for Marriage

This engaged couple enjoys planning for a marriage but realize that intimacy is their real goal. They work together on overcoming personal problems because they see them as a hindrance to an intimate marriage.	God's Designed Way God's Designed Way
Their Belief They learn their roles of husband and wife from their Designer as found in God's Word. True concern for their spouse rather than their self form a good foundation of an intimate marriage.
With God's purpose and forgiveness, their marriage by God's grace increasingly conforms to God's design. God's Design: Intimate sharing between spouses deeply enriches their lives.

Importance to Believing God's Design for Marriage

Satan's Modern Way Satan's Modern Way	Because of mistaken notions and busyness, the engaged couple only focus on the goal of a great wedding. They believe a good marriage naturally comes from their mutual affections.
	Their Belief They spend time together doing things because they believe being together makes them happy much like an extended date. Their relationship is based on doing things together.
	Without God's purpose and forgiveness, their marriage defaults to the world's ways Modern World: Live separate lives together as long as it works out

 

Top of chart
The two diagrams start at the top with two singles. The singles already have different ideas about marriage. The left side focuses on getting together. The right also focus on getting ready for marriage but are also preparing for the greater goal. For them the wedding is only the starting point not the finish line. Actual implementation of developing intimacy starts from there.

Middle of chart
Each couple also has their set of beliefs. These beliefs shape their expectations and activities. The one on the left focus on doing exciting things. At times they wonder whether it is the activity or the person that makes it so exciting. The couple on the right spend lots of time talking and praying together. They even do Bible studies together so that they can better understand what God has in mind for their marriage. They encourage and pray for each other to live God's ways.

You can order the Building a Great Marriage printed seminar materials including handouts at the BFF Resource Center. Or even better get the BFF Marriage Training Library which includes all all our marriage articles including powerpoints, audios and videos.

Bottom of chart
The left side is without a plan. They end up defaulting on what is popular in the culture. Many are now even confused if marriage is even necessary. Marriage is normally thought of as a romantic relationship before marriage but defaults to a financial arrangement shortly after marriage. They essentially live separate lives together. This kind of marriage has planted the seed of divorce by their financial and heart separation.

Assessment What is the goal for a marriage? 1) Have the husband and wife privately write down their goals for their marriage. 2) Compare their responses. Further discussion On a range from 0 to 10 (deep), how intimate is your marriage? What has helped and hindered them in gaining this intimacy?

The top right side shows a marriage with a plan. The wedding, though very important, was only a step toward that intimacy. The wedding is the step that solidifies the person to whom they will be intimate with. They are hardly perfect, but by keeping God's standard and lots of forgiveness, sharing, reflection and praying, they see more and more the beautiful design of marriage worked out in their lives.

The Goal
The goal in marriage is not just to be together under the same roof. God designed that the couple actually is to become intimate.

• What is this intimacy?
• Where does this intimacy come from?
• How do we reach it?

What are some complications holding it back? Next page >

 

Notes:
(1) Those couples who have both been so busy and distracted will actually find time spent together to be beneficial. It is not the excitement of the situation but spending focused time together.

 

Next=> Marriage goals

 

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Biblical Foundations for Freedom ( BFF )

Rev. Paul J. Bucknell

info@foundationsforfreedom.net

Scriptures quoted from the New American Standard Bible unless noted
(C) Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1988

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