Strengthening Your Intimacy

A good marriage is a 50/50 arrangement.

"They shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

The 50/50 concept produces divided marriages. Spouses fight for their own freedoms and rights.

Great marriages are 100/100. Each person gives his or her all to make the marriage a success. They are two people but working together as one.

One of the purposes of marriage is self-fulfillment.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit ." - Philippians 2:3

If we seek the fulfillment of our own needs, then we will not be able to properly serve the other.

We all have special needs. The greatest need, though, is to serve in a loving spirit like Jesus. God will meet our needs as we serve Him and others (Matthew 6:33).

"I earned the money so I can spend the money."

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

The joy in marriage comes from sharing what we have and earned with our mate. We no longer have a 'mine' and 'your' attitude. The couple is one. "All I have is yours."

Money doesn't truly satisfy.

"He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves abundance with its income." – Ecclesiastes 5:11

Arguing is a normal means of communication.

"What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?"  James 4:1

Arguments reveal the lack of oneness. Each spouse supports their side by a mean-spirited defense and attack. None of this brings about God's truth and love.

God desires both husband and wife to pursue His goals rather than their own.

Each spouse has a leadership role in marriage.

"For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church."  Ephesians 5:23

There is only one leader in the home. If there are two heads, then there are contested plans. A continuous struggle results.

God wants peace and order. The husband needs to take up the governing of the home, and the wife supports him as his assistant. She refuses to undermine his decisions.

I am more courteous to my friends than my spouse.

"Let your speech always be with grace."  Colossians 4:6

If we treat strangers better than our spouse, then we lack proper respect for our spouses. We need to treat our spouse as we would like ourselves to be treated. We start first!

Our spouse deserves our kind words and attitudes because they are made in God's image. We dedicate ourselves to this no matter how bad our husband or wife treats us.

"But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth."  Colossians 3:8

Disagreements about raising children cause us tension.

"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord ."  Ephesians 6:4

Arguments about raising the children are just as bad as other arguments. The couple must function as one not two.

The husband needs to proactively decide and follow up on the training of his children. His wife is his invaluable resource person through whom he gains wisdom, better understands a child's needs and finds help in carrying out this training.

It's sometimes okay to leave our conflicts unresolved.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."  Ephesians 4:26-27

Leaving a conflict unresolved is like leaving an infected sore untreated. It will get worse and worse.

Instead of allowing division to become permanent, humble yourself, confess your wrong, ask forgiveness and restore the oneness of heart. It's a lot more fun!

Arguing in front of the child teaches him conflict resolution.

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."  Colossians 3:18

A wife might think she is helping the child by defending him, but she only makes things worse by arguing with her husband in front of the child. Talk to him later.

God's way is simply for the wife to support her husband. He might be wrong, but it is a double wrong to argue. By being quiet the husband can more easily recognize his fault. Later he will seek your support, help and wisdom.

My anger gets the results I want.

"But let every one be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." – James 1:19-20

Anger is often manipulative. When a spouse doesn't get his way, he or she makes it so unpleasant that the other one gives in. One side abuses the other to get his or her way.

Refuse to use anger to get your way. Commit yourself to get God's way His way. A special spirit of sweetness will replace that distasteful argumentative atmosphere in the home.

I must have time to myself to function well as a parent.

"He who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal. If any one serves Me, let him follow Me." – John 12:25-26

A couple needs to function as one not two. As long as each has his own 'life' and activities, they will act more as two separate units.¹

Let's give up our desires for self so that we can serve better. We should minimize activities that are not supporting God's purposes for the family.

We take turns getting our own way on various issues.

"Seek the LORD, All you humble of he earth who have carried out His ordinance. Seek righteousness, seek humility. Perhaps you will be hidden in the day of the LORD's anger." Zephaniah 2:3

The phrase 'own way' betrays ones selfish desires.

A couple must focus on what God wants. Any compromise of God's way is sin. God has set up an order on how and why decisions are to be made in the home. This will lay a good foundation resulting in unity of heart and peace.